Comments on: How is my story so far? http://www.hayscohc.org/hays-county/how-is-my-story-so-far Sun, 04 Jul 2010 21:03:59 -0400 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Jill http://www.hayscohc.org/hays-county/how-is-my-story-so-far/comment-page-1#comment-221 Jill Thu, 26 Nov 2009 18:39:59 +0000 http://www.hayscohc.org/hays-county/how-is-my-story-so-far#comment-221 Hey! This is my first answer to a question on yahoo - feel special! :D Firstly, fab start to the story, not anything wrong with it all. You have a great style of not explaining EVERYTHING to the reader - which is annoying, for example where you say, 'The last giggle I would probably have for an eternity, or at least a week' This leaves the reader curious as to what is about to happen. Also, the story flows really well, you don't dwell on long-winded descriptions or too much dialogue - its well balanced. Really, the only thing i can think to suggest would be: - try not to use too many adjectives. Try using metaphors, personification, even similes or something but too many adjectives can really make the reader look as though they're trying too hard. Obviously you can use some but don't go mad. - try not to use adverbs that typically end in '-ly' such as, '“Oh,” Daniel whispered slowly' To make it sound more natural get rid of the adverb and change the sentence; for example, "Oh," Daniel whispered with hesitance,' Hope I could give you some positive criticism and don't go away thinking your crap because the adverbs and adjectives thing loads of people just do anyway but it's just something my teacher told me to try and limit in english lit - thought i'd pass on the suggestion. Good luck with your story! It sounds like a good start! ~ Jill<br><b>References : </b><br> Hey! This is my first answer to a question on yahoo – feel special! :D
Firstly, fab start to the story, not anything wrong with it all. You have a great style of not explaining EVERYTHING to the reader – which is annoying, for example where you say,
‘The last giggle I would probably have for an eternity, or at least a week’
This leaves the reader curious as to what is about to happen.
Also, the story flows really well, you don’t dwell on long-winded descriptions or too much dialogue – its well balanced.
Really, the only thing i can think to suggest would be:
- try not to use too many adjectives. Try using metaphors, personification, even similes or something but too many adjectives can really make the reader look as though they’re trying too hard. Obviously you can use some but don’t go mad.
- try not to use adverbs that typically end in ‘-ly’ such as,
‘“Oh,” Daniel whispered slowly’
To make it sound more natural get rid of the adverb and change the sentence; for example,
"Oh," Daniel whispered with hesitance,’

Hope I could give you some positive criticism and don’t go away thinking your crap because the adverbs and adjectives thing loads of people just do anyway but it’s just something my teacher told me to try and limit in english lit – thought i’d pass on the suggestion.
Good luck with your story! It sounds like a good start!
~ Jill
References :

]]> By: King John http://www.hayscohc.org/hays-county/how-is-my-story-so-far/comment-page-1#comment-220 King John Thu, 26 Nov 2009 18:01:59 +0000 http://www.hayscohc.org/hays-county/how-is-my-story-so-far#comment-220 There's a big debate about point-of-view of the writer, and my two favorite are first person and third person omniscent, with the latter my favoring, but here I really like your first person style and you really made it work for you. Talk about a beggining... It's amazingly mysterious and I absolutely dig how it entraps you so you have to keep reading. Your enless volleys of descriptions paint a vivid picture with flawless glamour, but maybe you could throw in something about age for Helen, just in relation to your character. Like significantly younger or older or prettty much the same. I really think you could go somewhere with this story, and I dont think there's really anyhting that needs to be changed. Keep rockin, - John "Writing can get one through hard times with no money better than money can get one through times of no writing."<br><b>References : </b><br>I totally have a friend named Lauren. She's pretty cool. There’s a big debate about point-of-view of the writer, and my two favorite are first person and third person omniscent, with the latter my favoring, but here I really like your first person style and you really made it work for you.

Talk about a beggining… It’s amazingly mysterious and I absolutely dig how it entraps you so you have to keep reading. Your enless volleys of descriptions paint a vivid picture with flawless glamour, but maybe you could throw in something about age for Helen, just in relation to your character. Like significantly younger or older or prettty much the same.

I really think you could go somewhere with this story, and I dont think there’s really anyhting that needs to be changed.

Keep rockin, – John

"Writing can get one through hard times with no money better than money can get one through times of no writing."
References :
I totally have a friend named Lauren. She’s pretty cool.

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